What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 20:52
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Who then, do I blame.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Would this be the day?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it wasn’t much.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She found it foreign!.
My family never makes their pension either.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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My life is so biszare .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She loved him until the end.
When she asked me how she looked .
He knew the spot.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Was to survive, this bastard.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She wouldn,t have been !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I think the readers, may guess!
We all went to grammer schools
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was in good health!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Comes on , in middle age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So, i spoilt her more .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And i lived it daily.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One cannot live in the past .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I don,t even have a pension.
All the time i was locked up.
I couldn’t, believe it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So whats the point in blame.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was very sick at this time too.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It was going to be , some day.
I was scared of men, in general
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I have no regrets .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But ive been too sick for many years..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I said to her
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im still living with it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Ive learnt so much.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Put me off passion for life!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is soul school!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I will be 64.
We were not on the streets..
What did i know ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I never cut or harmed myself..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She married twice! .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I waited trembling.
I was seconnd youngest,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But, we were locked up after school.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.